


Somewhere in Neverland

by grandpajumpersandeyelashes



Series: If The Stars Align (working title, subject to change) [3]
Category: In the Flesh (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Escape, Guilt, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sequel, Starting Over
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-05
Updated: 2015-08-26
Packaged: 2018-04-02 23:31:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 19,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4077988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grandpajumpersandeyelashes/pseuds/grandpajumpersandeyelashes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rick and Kieren have finally gotten out of Roarton, only to find that the rest of the world has some of the same attitudes they were trying to escape. Kieren attends art school while Rick works any job he can find to keep their apartment. Before long, tensions rise in their relationship, leading them to wonder if their grand escape from Roarton was worth it.</p>
<p>Sequel to Somewhere Only We Know and After The Raven Has Had Its Say.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Midnight Train Going Anywhere

**Author's Note:**

> I'm finally back to this series! I hope you'll all enjoy this next installment as much as the last two :)

There was no way that Rick was going to be able to sleep that night. There he was, leaving the village he had grown up in entirely behind him. The army had been a temporary escape, but this... This felt permanent. He didn’t have someone waiting for him to come home this time. His mother only waited for him to take her away as well.

His only other concern was sitting next to him on the train, staring out the window as they flew past the lights of forgotten towns and wanna-be cities. Rick needn’t worry about not having company to spend the night awake with. Ren was bouncing his leg nervously as the lights went past, worrying his lip in silence. Rick reached over, taking his hand and giving it a reassuring squeeze. He wanted Kieren to know that this was the right choice.

Kieren did know that this was the right choice. He could work to become the artist he wanted to be with Rick by his side. It was his dream come true. However, his mind raced thinking of all of the expenses they would have. There weren’t many places hiring PDS sufferers, and if they were, they weren’t exactly things Kieren would do. He could sell his art, if anyone would take it, but he didn’t know who would want something from an unknown artist. He only hoped that London would be more accepting of people like him.

Rick had those worries too, wondering how far his mother’s cash would get them. The ticket alone was a decent sized chunk of it. Kieren had insisted on buying his own ticket even though Rick tried to pay for it. He felt bad stripping Kieren of almost all of his own cash, but he understood Kieren’s pride wanting to buy it. The Walkers would probably send them money when they found out where they had gone.

“I’m going to miss it, as fucked as that is.” Kieren eventually said to Rick, still not looking towards him. “Never left it for long before, Treatment Centre was the longest I’ve been away from it.” he commented quietly.

Rick nodded, understanding. “I know what you mean. Town is shit, but it’s home. Missed it like crazy when I was in Afghanistan... Thought that I would be glad to be gone, but I missed a few things.” he responded, squeezing Kieren’s hand.

“What did you miss most?”

It took only a split second for Rick to draw the breath he needed to reply. “You.” he admitted. Even facing the other way, Rick could see the way that Kieren’s ears reddened. “Mean it, Ren. You were half the reason I didn’t just give up. Hell, you can ask Cains when we get there, he was probably sick of me talking ‘bout you.” he laughed.

“Told your army mates about me?” Kieren asked surprised as he turned to face Rick.

Rick shrugged. “Yeah, a few of ‘em.” he told him. “Cains knew the most though, everyone else just kinda knew and that was it. Cains was the one who was asking me all about you all the time. He wanted to meet you, so looks like now he’ll be able to.” Rick smiled.

“You told people about me, and you said I was your... boyfriend?” Kieren asked in awe. He had never imagined Rick telling anyone, considering the homophobia that had been so ingrained in his thought process thanks to his father. In that moment, Kieren felt so much pride in his boyfriend for overcoming that internalized fear of who he was to anyone, especially the army.

Rick nodded. “‘Course I did, Ren.” he reassured Kieren. He slipped his hand out of Kieren’s to instead put his arm around him, pulling him closer. “Was fuckin’ terrified to at first, but I hate that I ever kept you a secret, Ren.” he said softly in Kieren’s hair as he leaned against him.

Kieren smiled as he wrapped an arm around Rick’s waist. “Thank you.” he whispered, nearly inaudibly. He traced shapes on Rick’s side with his fingers as he noticed his breathing slow and relax. Sighing in contentment, Kieren shut his eyes.

It didn’t take long, however, for Rick to quietly ask, “You awake, Ren?”

Kieren laughed in response, so reminded of their childhood sleepovers when they would constantly ask the other the same question. Neither of them would really let the other get decent sleep because they would disrupt them just as sleep was about to wash over them because even then, before there was even a thought of any romantic interest, they simply wanted more time with each other. Kieren could smile now, realizing they had more time than he could have ever imagined.

“I’ll take that as a yes.” Rick chuckled, shifting himself to be more comfortable. “Didn’t want to wake you up.” he explained.

“I don’t think I could sleep anyways.” Kieren responded, earning a nod of agreement from Rick. “I’ll probably just work on some sketches or something.” he reasoned, reaching into his backpack for his sketchbook and a pencil.

The next few hours were filled with Kieren sketching the faces of people they would each miss in Roarton. There were several laughs shared as some of them adopted more exaggerated features since they wouldn’t really be missed after all.

“I’d be lying if I didn’t admit I’m curious how you’d draw my dad, considering you’ve given Gary some devil horns.” Rick laughed as demon-Gary glared at them from the page below.

Kieren smirked mischievously. “Drew him once... We were thirteen I think... It was good for my dart board.” he admitted, earning a hearty laugh from Rick. “But, paper doesn’t last forever on there... Ended up as kindling for one of the fires we lit in the back of my house.”

“Burned my dad while I was sitting right there with you, did you?” Rick asked, earning only a smug nod from Kieren. “Good. Bastard deserves it.” he shrugged while Kieren turned the page.

Kieren smiled the rest of the time he worked, this time on a drawing of the people they would actually miss; their families, or in Rick’s case, his mum. Janet joined the Walkers in a family portrait type drawing. Rick smiled at the drawing when it was finished, taking the book from Kieren to take a better look.

“We should put this in our new place... That way we can see ‘em every day.” he suggested, a hint of sadness in his voice as his eyes lingered on his mum.

It was now Kieren’s turn to gently kiss Rick’s cheek. “Of course, love.” he agreed.

Rick leaned into the soft contact contently. He drew all the comfort he had needed from the soft press of Kieren’s lips. “What type of place do you think we can get?” he eventually questioned.

“Dunno.” Kieren shrugged. “What about you, what kind of place you want?”

They spent the next hour or so talking about their dream place. It transitioned from an apartment to a bungalow rather quickly, so it wasn’t much of a surprise when bungalow turned into a large house. By the time they were done talking about it, the plan was a huge mansion that Kieren had sketched out through fits of laughter with Rick carrying him bridal style into the house.

The light was slowly entering their small cabin when it stopped being the funniest thing to ever happen to the two of them. It was probably the lack of sleep talking. Even then, they were both still giggling quietly when the train attendant stopped by, asking for their tickets. Each produced theirs, happy to oblige.

“...Oh.” she said, suddenly wide-eyed as she handed Kieren’s back to him. “Sir, I’m sorry but I’ll have to ask you to get off at the next stop.” she squeaked out, her voice tainted with fear.

“Problem with his ticket?” Rick asked, confused. They bought the same ticket, for the same destination, and his had gone through just fine. What was wrong with Ren’s?

She sighed, glancing around behind her. “He’s PDS... We aren’t supposed to let them ride. Ever. Not leaving towns like this. I’m doing you a favor. They would probably arrest you if anyone else figured out.” she informed them. “I’m sorry, it’s that blasted Maxine Martin’s idea. No idea how she got into the damn government and soiled it that much.”

Rick looked ready to make an argument, but Kieren shook him off. “Thank you for the heads up, then.” he thanked her. “I’ll get off the next platform.”

She smiled sadly at the pair before moving along, trying not to draw attention to where they were sitting so none of her superiors would investigate. Rick didn’t see it that way, however, as he punched the wall of the train. “How is that fucking fair? We paid for these damn tickets! We have three more stops until our destination, but we’ve got to get off now?” he demanded, frustrated. “And you Ren, you shouldn’t take it lying down like that, shit, Ren, you’ve got to stand up for yourself. You’ve got all the rights I’ve got, or should anyways.”

It took Rick a while to notice that Kieren’s silence wasn’t in defiance. Looking at his boyfriend, it was clearly devastation that had stolen his voice away. He shook softly as his face contorted as if he were crying even if tears wouldn’t fall. Rick quickly took him in his arms, pulling him close as he assured over and over that things would work out in the end.

\---

They were in nearly the same position when Cains came across them. Admittedly, he had walked past his army buddy entirely because he hadn’t expected to find someone completely wrapped around him. He knew that something had happened to the pair, and that was why he had to pick them up about an hour’s drive from where he had originally meant to meet them, but he hadn’t expected that much devastation in their faces.

Rick’s late night call had only asked him to meet him in the same town as wherever he was making the call from. Rick didn’t have a clue, and wasn’t even drunk to blame it on that. Leave it to Macy to not know where he was but expect him to save his ass, Cains had initially thought before reverse-looking up the number to discover which station it was he was at. Now he was wandering up and down the aisles of seats for people waiting to board trains or find their rides, searching and hoping Rick hadn’t wandered off somewhere else.

The second time he walked past, Rick had seen him. “Cains, hey mate.” he said quietly as he continued to rub Kieren’s back. “I’m sorry, we had a bit of a rough night.” he explained when he was being looked at strangely.

Cains nodded, understanding. “Nice to see your ugly mug too, I suppose.” he half teased, hoping that some joking around would help the situation.

Rick smirked, sticking his tongue out just slightly. Then he moved his hands to Kieren’s hips, gently shifting him off of him, but not enough to break Kieren’s grip around his neck or to stop him from burying his face in Rick’s neck. He gently nudged Kieren to look up, even for a moment.

“Ren, this is James Cains, one of my army mates.” he introduced. “Cains, this is my boyfriend Ren.”

“Wait... I thought...” Cains began, looking at the other man curiously.

Rick nodded. “Yeah. Didn’t want to freak you out over the phone. Sorry for not telling you, I really hope you don’t mind.” he tried to say casually.

“No I don’t mind, it’s just you were a mess last time I saw you when you told me... Fuck, I’m really glad to be meeting you, Ren.” he let out a huffing laugh in relief. He had been so worried about Rick returning to Roarton without the promise of his boyfriend being there. He had never been more glad for the Rising than he was in that moment. “Macy wouldn’t shut up about you the whole damn tour, so I probably know you too well for a total stranger.” Cains said, directing his attention to Kieren. “Good things, no worries.” he laughed. “But you ever want embarrassing shit about him, trust me, I’ve got plenty.”

“Cains, shut up.” Rick groaned. He did however, glance over to Kieren to see how he was reacting. Nothing much had changed in his expression as he seemed to almost stare through them into the walls of the train station.

He smiled at Kieren sympathetically. “Maybe some other time, mate.” he offered before directing his attention towards Rick. “Want some help getting the bags? Car’s not too far but looks like you’ve both got a decent amount of stuff.”

Rick smiled, grateful. It ended up being Cains who carried most of Kieren’s things and a little of Rick’s, letting him hold Kieren even as they walked in an effort to comfort him. Cains didn’t even complain when both sat in the back seat, only smiling slightly when he saw Rick kiss Kieren’s forehead, the act that was finally enough to make Kieren close his eyes and relax into Rick’s arms.


	2. Temporary Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry the chapter title sucks I literally suck at them. I mean, it is a temporary place for them to stay. We'll go with that. Heh. Enjoy :)

When they got to the small apartment complex, Rick slipped Kieren into his arms, sliding out of the car to try not to wake him. Using a few whispered words and mostly head gestures, he told Cains the two most important bags that needed to be brought in for the night as he worked on carrying his sleeping boyfriend.

“Macy, you mind talking a bit, mate?” he asked in a whisper when Rick set Kieren softly on the couch. “I know it was a long night for you.”

Rick looked down at Kieren’s sleeping form, frankly jealous of how peaceful he looked before nodding and following his buddy into the kitchen area. “Before you say anything, really, thank you, Cains. Really appreciate it. We’ll get out of your hair soon as we can.” he promised.

Grabbing some coffee to put in the microwave, he shook his head dismissively. “It’s not a problem, mate. You’ve got shit to sort and I’m fine with it. Happy to have you, really.” he assured. “Look, Rick, I was wondering how you were with... All of this...” he gestured vaguely.

Rick raised an eyebrow in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“Leaving Roarton. Coming here. Starting over. Kieren. All of it.” Cains prompted.

Biting his lip, Rick leaned against the counter. “I’m fucking terrified, James. Remember how scared shitless we were our first night under fire? It’s like that all over again, mate.” Rick shook his head. “But it’s better, you know, I’ve got Ren here. I’ve got you here. Here I can be myself, ‘least I hope.”

“With Ren...” James’s voice trailed off as he tried to figure out how to continue.

“Doesn’t bother you that he’s... What he is, does it?” Rick questioned. “It’s just... He’s Ren, James. It’s never going to matter to me, but if it bothers you I’m sorry, we can find somewhere else to stay if you just let us stay here today to get some--”

“Macy, can it, mate!” he practically laughed at Rick’s ranting. “It doesn’t bother me at all. So what if he’s PDS? He’s my best mate’s boyfriend, and he makes him happier than I’ve ever seen him. That’s gotta count for something, yeah?”

Rick rolled his eyes. “‘Course I’m happier than I was getting shot at or at the damn hospital.” he shot back playfully. 

“I was just wondering... I thought when you said we that you meant your mum. Just wanted to make sure everything was alright there?”

He reached up, rubbing the bridge of his nose as he thought. Eventually all Rick could do was shake his head in uncertainty. “She gave me and Ren the money she’s been saving up since I was a kid to run off over here. Said she wanted me and Ren to be able to have a life together, safe from my dad... I’m just scared what he’d do to her if he found out...” he let out a heavy breath, eyes downcast. “She just wants me to be happy, I s’pose.”

Cains nodded, understanding as he reached out, putting a hand on Rick’s elbow. “And does he make you happy, Rick?”

“Aye, he does.”

\---

Kieren was quiet when he first came. It was clear that he was a little uncomfortable staying at an all but stranger’s apartment on the small pull out bed in his living room, but he was quickly getting used to it. He would still stay pretty quiet when Rick was talking to James, but he would stay in the room, listening and even laughing along with the two army buddies as they ragged on each other.

They hadn’t talked much until James walked into the living room one morning to find Kieren clearly struggling to reach something on his back. He hadn’t heard Rick in the shower, and since the other man was no where in sight, he approached Kieren.

“Need a hand with something?” he asked, startling Kieren.

Kieren bit his lip, dropping his arms. “I can wait until Rick gets back, I don’t think it matters if it’s a little late...” he muttered.

James looked at him curiously before noting the gun like mechanism that Kieren held in his lap. “That’s for your medicine, yeah?” Kieren nodded. “I can give it to you if you need... Rick out doing something? Did he get that interview?”

Kieren seemed to hesitate a moment before offering the medicine to the other man. “Just have to put it in that little hole and pull the trigger...” he explained, trying to tug his shirt down enough for James to see it. He shuddered slightly when the medicine flooded into his system before regaining his composure. “Thanks. And Rick’s just out for a walk... Won’t admit it to me but he had one of his nightmares again last night.” he explained.

James frowned. He himself didn’t have many flashbacks to the war, just felt the expected guilt that one would get from taking the lives of people he didn’t even have a personal vendetta with. He had been a soldier, sure, and he had just been following orders, but still, there was guilt. He knew how Rick was though. Underneath what would be perceived as a tough exterior, the guy was a total marshmallow. He didn’t want to imagine the pain he went through as a gentle soul.

“I just hate it... He tries to get me to tell him all about mine but ‘course he won’t admit to them.” Kieren sighed. “That an army thing or just him being stubborn?” he asked.

James couldn’t help but let out a small laugh. “Think those go hand in hand, Kieren.” he replied. “Rick... He just really cares about you, obviously. He wants to protect you, best I can tell. Doesn’t want to burden you, make you feel like you need to protect him as well.” he tried to explain.

Kieren nodded along sadly. “I just wish he’d talk to me... It’s getting just like it was before, and I don’t know how to stop it... How to stop him from doing something stupid again.”

Understanding, James’s lips twitched into a brief grin. “Just be there for him. He’s getting used to being away from his dad. Doesn’t realize yet he doesn’t have to hide anymore.” he shrugged. “But what matters is he loves you, Kieren. Should fucking see the two of you, it’s pretty disgusting really.” he teased, elbowing him gently in the side.

Kieren hung his head in embarrassment. “I’m sorry...” he mumbled. James could pretty easily imagine his face a bright scarlet.

“S’all right.” James told him, putting an arm around his shoulders. “Just have to make sure Rick makes me the best man, yeah?” he winked as the door to the apartment opened.

Rick entered, face reddened from the cool weather outside, taking a moment to look at the two of them sitting on the bed still. “What are you two doing, talking shit ‘bout me while I was gone?” he asked with a chuckle.

“Stealing your boyfriend, that’s all.” Cains smirked. “Isn’t that right, Ren?” he asked, knowing that Rick had a strange little possessiveness over that nickname.

“Always thought you played for my team, mate. Congrats on finally admitting it to yourself.” Rick shrugged, matching his friend’s teasing grin. “I do have to warm though, I don’t share well.” he said as he approached them.

The bed shifted a little when Rick sat on the other side of Kieren, lifting his chin to his for a soft kiss. Kieren was immediately embarrassed, knowing that their friend who was hosting them was literally touching him still, but Rick was almost smiling too much for it to be a proper kiss.

“Fuck off, the both of you...” Cains laughed, finally standing when he had enough, leaving the pair in a fit of laughter.

\---

Rick disappeared again later that afternoon, coming back with some of the most terrific news they had gotten in the weeks since they moved down into the London area. He burst in ecstatic that he had managed to find them a small flat just blocks from the campus Kieren would be at in a few short months.

Rick had grasped either side of Kieren’s face, kissing him in excitement after the announcement. Kieren excitedly reciprocated, jumping up from the stool he had been sitting on while James prepared dinner. He almost forgot that someone else was in the room after Rick broke the kiss to say that they moved in next week, as he threw himself back at Rick in excitement.

“Won’t miss that...” Cains laughed, wanting to tease them despite being incredibly happy for the pair. Rick split from Kieren, a smile covering his face when he turned to take Cains’s hand to shake. “Happy for you two, Macy.” he told him when he pulled him into a hug.

The rest of the night was spent with them all talking about their plans for the apartment. Rick explained that despite what the advice he had gotten from some people to not mention that his ‘roommate’ was PDS, the apartment they got had boasted that it was a PDS friendly unit. Rick had even seen another PDS sufferer or two there, so he reasoned it must be a friendly enough apartment.

“It’s so close to campus too, Ren, you’ll be able to walk to classes without a problem.” Rick promised him. “Can see a lot of the buildings from our bedroom window.” he told him as they laid in bed, hours after Cains had excused himself to his own bedroom.

Kieren thought he could have heard anything about the apartment and still been just as happy as he was then. He was moving into a flat with the man he had been so in love with for so long. They were starting a new life together, and he couldn’t imagine running away with anyone but Rick. He didn’t know how to put it into words though, so he instead crashed his lips against Rick’s in a bruising kiss.

It had seemed like forever since they had been as intimate as they were. Kieren was greedily kissing Rick, almost forgetting his boyfriend’s need to breathe. Kieren wrapped one of his legs around Rick’s, the other was on the other side of his hip as he rutted against him, desperate to feel Rick properly against him.

Rick was biting back a moan when he put strong hands on Kieren’s hips, stopping his movements. Kieren whined, trying to buck his hips to free himself, but despite how much Rick wanted Kieren the same way he did, he knew they shouldn’t.

“Not on my mate’s couch, Ren...” he quietly told him.

“‘Preciate that.” Cains said a little uneasily from his bedroom just down the hall.

Whatever uneasiness he had felt from what he heard didn’t stop Cains from offering knucks to Rick in the morning, even when Kieren was clearly wishing he could crawl back in his grave at the first sight of his knowing grin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so now that the two "catch up" chapters are up, I'll be starting the main plot itself soon, no worries. Thanks for everyone who has stuck with this series, hope that you'll all enjoy this one as it continues! As always kudos and comments are greatly appreciated! 
> 
> Oh and also, a word on James Cains's character... I didn't originally have Rick's army buddy as being any more than just someone who he was talking to in Afghanistan, but then I decided he'd be a good plot device to help out with a later plan I have, so I hope it doesn't bother anyone that I've inserted another character. You won't see much of him for a while now though, so like, it was mostly these two chapters until I desperately need him back. I'm trying to stick with actual established characters but didn't know what other pre-existing character could have filled the role that I have in mind for him.


	3. Start a Life of the Plain and the Simple

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Unanticipated (by me) smut towards the end. Nothing terribly descriptive because I still can't write it without being embarrassed but yeah, there's some there just so you know.

It was a whirlwind the next few days, spent repacking the few things they had unpacked and just getting excited to have their own place. There really wasn’t much to be put together, just their clothes and some personal items. It was probably for the best, since neither of them were exactly fans of packing things up. But then again, they didn’t have much else to begin with.

Kieren took the time to pull out his phone, giving his family a ring to let them know that they found a place and would be moving in within a few days. He figured since he had been so exhausted the first few days after their move to the city and forgot to call his family to let them know that he and Rick were alive and had left Roarton together, he figured he’d have to tell them almost immediately, lest he forget again.

Sue tried to get him to let her send them more money or perhaps visit, but Kieren refused. He knew his family didn’t have that much money to spend. Sure, his father had a good job, but they needed to support themselves and Jem who was still living at home. He promised that if they ever needed help, he’d be the first to let them know.

Like the sensible man he was, Steve cautioned Kieren about the dangers of falling behind on rent. He also warned that even though he wouldn’t be living on campus that he had to take his experience at art school seriously, otherwise it wouldn’t be a wise investment of his and Rick’s limited income. Kieren didn’t mention that he had talked to Rick about delaying his start of school, something that Rick said he simply wouldn’t allow him to do.

When Jem had her turn to talk, she waited for Kieren to put the phone on speaker for both himself and Rick to hear. “Don’t make your neighbors hate you two too much, yeah?” she teased, falling into a fit of laughter.

Kieren realized almost immediately that that would be the only words of advice from his sister, especially when he heard Sue scolding her in the background and Steve begged to know what was so funny about what Jem said. Some things would never change.

“I have to go now, got a little more preparing to do and I’ve got to pick up my medicine before the pharmacy closes.” Kieren told his family. “I love you, talk to you soon.”

“Love you, too, Kieren. And you, Rick, don’t think we’ve forgotten about you either. Take care, boys.” Kieren could practically hear the smile in his mother’s voice.

\---

“Sure you don’t need help with the last box?” James offered the day they moved in. The ‘last box’ was in reality their only one, that and the bags on their backs. The box had actually been stuff that James was giving them as housewarming gifts.

“Think we’re good, mate.” Rick smirked, shifting its weight to offer a hand out to his friend. “Thanks for everything, mate. Don’t know what we’d’ve done without you.” he said sincerely.

Even quiet Kieren smiled at him. “Thank you, James. If we can ever repay you...” he began before being brushed off.

“You paid me back enough as is, Kieren. It’s your boyfriend who owes me something now, I think.” he joked. “Can’t thank you enough for the painting, so we’re even.” James smiled, referring to the painting Kieren had done of his and Rick’s unit the day they shipped out, before the horrors of war got to any of them and they were genuinely smiling as they crowded around one of the tanks.

Kieren shook his hand, glad that his new friend had gotten used to his cool touch and hardly reacted anymore. “Was my pleasure, James.”

Cains nodded. “Keep in touch, you two. And don’t be strangers, I’m not that far from you, no excuses for not dropping by once in a while.” he told mostly Rick. “And congrats on the place and everything. I’ll see the both of you around.” he smiled before slipping back in the driver’s seat of his car.

They all waved their goodbyes before the pair strolled up to the third floor for the grand reveal of the new flat to Kieren. Rick produced the keys from his pocket, balancing the box he was carrying against the wall to help him as he turned the key.

He hesitated a moment with a hand on the door knob. “Ren, I just need to tell you, it’s not much, but it’s ours, alright? I just... I thought that’d be what mattered, for now, y’know?” he told his boyfriend nervously.

“Rick,” Kieren began, reaching a hand up to the back of Rick’s neck. “I don’t really care what it’s like in there. Like you said, it’s ours. That’s all I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember.” he told him before softly pressing his lips to Rick’s. His hand joined Rick’s on the door knob as they turned it together, revealing their new home.

It wasn’t much. There was a small kitchenette/dining space when you immediately walked in, then a living room that was mostly defined by a change in the flooring style and the fact that a dingy arm chair and old love seat sat in it rather than the run-down table and chairs in the other part of the room. One door led to the bedroom from the living room, and the other to the small bathroom.

The entire place was a sterile white except for the mustard yellow living room furniture and the slightly stained walls of the kitchens from what could have only been a few cooking disasters. The wood of the table and matching chairs was rather sickly looking, but it was what it was. Kieren didn’t care about the flaws in the place. He was only glad to be looking into the doorway into his new life with Rick.

“Oi, Ren, just toss your shit inside, don’t actually go in yet.” Rick told him, suddenly inspired by the way they still stood in the hallway. He did the same before he swept Kieren off of his feet, carrying him bridal style into the flat. “Welcome home, Ren.” he smiled, kissing him deeply.

Kieren can tell that Rick’s about to set him down when he breaks off their kiss. “Think you can make it to the bedroom first?” he asked suggestively. 

Rick quickly shut and locked the door clumsily while holding his (thankfully) small boyfriend before laying him down in their new bed. Kieren didn’t care that there was a spring digging into his back, what mattered to him was the man on top of him. Rick’s kisses alone were enough to distract him from the phantom discomfort he was in.

There was no rush about them as they slowly kissed each other, their hands tracing out the map of the other’s skin, trying desperately to memorize it. Rick shivered at Kieren’s cool touch as he traced down his back under his shirt, sending jolts of electricity through him. It was as though a fire was lit within him as his kisses grew more desperate and begging. His lips implored Kieren’s for more, and who was he to deny him?

They each made quick work of their shirts before Kieren slowly traced his fingers from Rick’s lower back to his hips and finally to the buckle of his belt. Pulling away just slightly, Kieren made Rick look him in the eye as he silently waited for confirmation. Rick nodded as he bit his own lip, the look in Kieren’s eyes only increasing his desire.

With deft fingers, Kieren made quick work of the belt before removing the rest of Rick’s jeans. The sound Rick made as Kieren grasped him through the thin fabric of his boxers was enough to make Kieren bite back a moan. Rick was pressing himself further into Kieren’s palm, needing the attention he was getting. Even as he nearly shook trying to restrain himself even somewhat, he reached down to Kieren’s jeans, wanting to do the same for him.

The blonde let out a surprised moan when Rick slipped his hand inside of his undergarments to wrap his hand fully around Kieren’s length. It was his turn to buck his hips forward before pressing a desperate kiss against Rick’s lips. Using Rick’s surprise to his advantage, Kieren rolled them both over so now it was Rick with his back to the mattress.

With Rick panting, Kieren slipped down lower with kisses dropping down his chest and abdomen before he removed Rick’s boxers. Kissing either side of Rick’s inner thigh, Kieren could hear Rick’s tortured whine as without words he begged for Kieren’s touch. Knowing exactly what Rick needed, Kieren quickly gave him just that. Rick ran his fingers through Kieren’s hair as he desperately moaned, trying to stop himself from doing anything that could possibly hurt his Ren.

When he knew he couldn’t last much longer, he tugged Kieren up into another kiss. This one was slow and sweet, driven by all the emotions of the past months that they hadn’t had time to show the other. Rick brought them back to their original position before he, without warning, took Kieren into his mouth.

“Oh shit....” Kieren hissed in surprise, his head thrown back with pleasure. “Fuck, Rick...”

Rick only continued to bob his head, something he found was a little more difficult when you were trying not to smile. He blindly reached a hand down to where they had abandoned the bag still on Rick’s back when they entered the room. Finding what he was looking for, Rick squirted some of the lube on his hand to warm it before slowly pressing a finger into Kieren.

Angelic was the only word that came to Rick’s mind when he heard Kieren’s noises of pleasure. He released Kieren from his mouth, focussing more on kissing him anywhere that he was able to reach while his fingers gently prepared him. Two fingers and then three left Kieren begging Rick for more.

From the same place as he had gotten the lube, Rick this time produced a condom. As he rolled it on, he leaned in to kiss Kieren deeply. “I love you, Ren.” he breathed. In fact, his chest was heaving by the time their lips broke apart.

“I love you too, Rick.” Kieren replied, reaching a hand to Rick’s kip to encourage him to move closer. “Rick...” Kieren sighed when he felt his boyfriend enter him carefully.

There was no way to describe it other than making love. From the way that they each so quietly breathed the other’s name to the slow and careful movements Rick made to elicit quiet cries of pleasure, every single aspect of it was making love. When Kieren spilled in Rick’s hand, the admiration on Rick’s face was only one of the telltale signs that Kieren’s doing so is what drove his orgasm just seconds after.

Rick collapsed into the bed, entirely spent, though not enough so as to crush Kieren with his weight. He had shifted just enough that Kieren was still under him, being held close to his chest as they both breathed heavily. Once they each had enough oxygen, they kissed each other tenderly, smiles on both their faces as they held the other close.

\---

The sound of Kieren’s phone alarm the next day was a harsh wake up call. Disentangling themselves from one another, they couldn’t help but smile even if they didn’t want to leave their bed. Kieren kissed Rick sweetly before excusing himself to the restroom to clean up.

When he was done in the shower, he stepped out to see Rick leaning against the wall of the bathroom waiting. “Could have joined me.” Kieren stated simply, a small smirk plastered across his face.

By the time Rick was done showering and shaving, he was surprised to be smelling eggs being cooked. He thought to himself simply how incredible Kieren was, preparing a breakfast for him when he as the chef didn’t even eat. In retrospect, it was probably a good thing that Kieren was able to cook for him, since his father had pushed traditional gender roles such as the woman cooking on him so much that he hadn’t learned much in terms of fending for himself. Still, the gesture was incredibly sweet, and he wrapped his arms around Kieren’s waist, kissing his neck as he mutter a soft thank you in his ear.

Rick finished eating before Kieren asked him to help him with his medicine. Already having a routine, Rick took the shot, rubbing Kieren’s shoulders gently before counting down and pressing the trigger. Kieren still flinched, but not as bad, and it was rare for him to seize anymore. It was nothing that softly spoken words from Rick’s lips couldn’t fix.

Kieren kissed Rick goodbye as he left for work. He had landed a job with a club, working as a bouncer, but had to go to training that day before working a shift that lasted well past midnight. Kieren wasn’t terribly happy about the arrangement, but knew they needed the money. He could see Rick other times.

He had just been drifting off to sleep when the bed shifted with the other man’s weight next to him. “Good night, Ren...” Rick whispered as his strong arms wrapped around Kieren so they could fall asleep together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I already had the next chapter pretty much finished before I posted the first, so it should be up soon. I just need to read through it and tweak it for parts that may have changed slightly since then. Thanks as always for the read, sorry for the terrible sex scene, and I hope you're all enjoying it. Please let me know what you guys are thinking so far!


	4. The Grind

Gun shots rang out all around Rick. Flashes of the guns, grenades, and off in the distance some bomb went off. He wasn’t sure at first who made the scream he heard along with the explosion. It took him a while to realize it was him.

Somehow he was now where the bomb had gone off. An IED actually. For some cruel reason, he was wide awake. He saw everything happening. Heard the pained cries of the men around him. Saw the severed bit of his leg meters away. Saw the blood pooling. How hadn’t he bled out already?

Worse than the agony, worse than seeing and hearing everyone around him, he began to hear distinct voices. He recognized each one. A fallen comrade, swimming above his head, each of them circling around him. He shook as he laid there, incapacitated, hearing everything they each had to say.

“If you could have just made that shot I’d be here.”

“Didn’t you see that?”

“Rick.”

“Macy, it’s your fault.”

“I’m dead because of you, Macy.”

“Macy, you killed me. You killed everyone here. It’s your fault.”

“Rick!”

“Macy, I had a family.”

“It’s your fault, Macy, it’s all your fault.”

“Your dad was right, you are a disgrace. You killed us all.”

“RICK!” Kieren shouted, breaking the chorus of blame. “Rick, it’s me, it’s Ren.” he told the completely startled looking Rick. “It was a dream, Rick, a dream, ok? Everything is fine. I’m here, we’re back home. In our apartment. You’re fine, ok? Take a deep breath, Rick, ok?” he gently told him as he had numerous times before.

Rick still breathed shallowly and far too quick. Exaggerating the unneeded breaths, Kieren drew in air and released it slowly until Rick matched his pace. Kieren put a cooling hand on Rick’s sweat-soaked forehead, trying to cool him down while he wiped away the small droplets.

Once Rick had his bearings about him better, Kieren ran a hand through his hair soothingly, looking him in the eye. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked softly. Rick shook his head. “Rick, do you need to talk about it though?” he rephrased, emphasizing the word need.

“I’m-” Rick stopped, clearing his throat after it came out in a near squeak. “I’m fine, Ren. Just a dream, like you said.” he lied. He wasn’t quite alright, but there wasn’t really anything Kieren could do about it, aside from what he was already doing: providing him with love, support, and someone to talk to. “Just come here, yeah? Don’t mind?”

Kieren smiled sleepily at Rick, slipping into his outstretched arms. “‘Course I don’t, Rick.” he told him, nuzzling into RIck’s chest. “I love you.” he told the other before closing his eyes, sleep soon taking over.

“I love you too.” Rick whispered in Kieren’s hair, wondering how long it would take for himself to settle down enough to close his eyes, much less sleep the way that Kieren was. 

He looked at Kieren in his arms. He looked more at peace than he ever did when he was awake. He breathed in the scent of his hair, the faint earthy scent that never seemed to leave, not that Rick minded. It was a comfort, at this point. It reminded him of home. Home for Rick had become Kieren, not the stuffy town of Roarton they had finally left, nor the small apartment. It was the blonde he held in his arms that very moment, and the way he was nuzzled up into his chest, the “Good night, Ren.” he said softly before finally closing his eyes.

\---

Kieren woke up to the sound of someone crawling around on their bedroom floor. His eyes grew wide as he looked at the mouse that had found its way into the apartment, now scuttling about on the ground as if it owned the place. Kieren drew his legs and arms close to him, pulling the blankets up away from the ground to try to discourage it from any attempt at entering the bed.

“Rick!” he whisper-hissed still staring at it. He nudged his snoring boyfriend. “Rick!” he said a little louder.

“Hmmm?” Rick asked confused as he slowly woke up. His eyes fluttered open to see Kieren drawn up in a small ball, some sort of fear in his eyes. “You alright, love?” he asked, voice full of concern at the sight of his terrified boyfriend.

Kieren pointed to the spot that the creature was sitting now. “There’s a rat in our apartment...” he told him quietly, not wanting to scare the thing into running away somewhere that Rick couldn’t grab it. “Shut up, Rick, it isn’t funny!” he pouted when Rick began to chuckle.

“Ren, it’s a little mouse.” he told him, rubbing his back. “Probably some kid’s pet that got out of his cage.” he comforted before reaching for his prosthetic. “But I’ll get him for you, don’t worry.” he smirked as he took a few steps to get the garbage from under the desk.

“Thank you...” Kieren replied, watching as Rick slowly moved towards the rodent. Rick quickly picked it up by the tail, tossing it in the trash can before throwing the lid on it. He took a few steps towards the bed, earning a disgusted glare from Kieren. “Don’t you fucking dare, Rick.”

Rick laughed heartily as he turned and walked out to put the mouse somewhere else. He had lied earlier when he said it was probably someone’s pet, no one in the building was supposed to have them and besides, he had heard of others finding these unwanted guests over to. But with Kieren being terrified of the things and having an important meeting with his advisor the next morning, he would do anything to put his mind at ease.

After a trip downstairs to let the little guy out the lobby door, Rick returned to find Kieren peeking under the bed. Rick only smiled as he sat back on the bed, pulling Kieren up to properly lay on the bed. “Come on, it’s three in the morning... I have to work at six and you’ve got a meeting. Just lay with me for a while?” he asked as he reached to click off the bedside lamp.

Kieren nodded, curling up against Rick. Rick rubbed his back lightly, knowing Kieren couldn’t tell but it was comforting to him to feel Kieren right there. It reminded him he wasn’t alone and that he had a purpose being there. He liked falling asleep knowing that Kieren was there.

\---

When Rick’s alarm went off all to early for either of their likings, each groaned as they began to get up. Rick stepped into the shower as Kieren got some of his things together he would need for the meeting he had. It was an audition of sorts, a showcasing of his talent in hopes of being placed in the art school’s version of an honor’s program. Either way, he would be determining his classes that day, and making his first connections with someone at the university.

He had his things together just as Rick stepped out with a towel around his waist. “All yours.” he smiled as he began to get dressed.

Kieren smiled back, stepping into the small bathroom to take what Rick assured him was a freezing cold shower. It didn’t really matter since he couldn’t exactly feel the icy droplets. He was the one who offered the third day they were in the apartment to take the second shower. Rick hadn’t protested much as someone who liked to take a steamy hot shower. Even he only got about half a shower of hot water before it cooled down. They both reminded themselves how low rent was, and how their expectations should probably be nearly as low.

Rick was pouring himself a bowl of cereal when Kieren walked into the kitchen/dining room. Kieren grabbed his medication just as casually as Rick grabbed the milk. Rick didn’t need prompting to take the gun from Kieren and inject it for him. He hardly shuddered anymore at the sudden flux of medicine. Rick kissed his forehead before setting the medicine aside and eating the (somewhat stale) cereal in front of him.

Kieren produced a sketchpad out of what seemed like thin air (Rick had stopped questioning how he always seemed to have them everywhere in the house when he only had two active ones) and began scratching away at it. Rick smirked as he watched him, reaching out for his non-dominant hand to hold it as they each went through their morning routine. It was different for them to not do the same thing, but it had become routine for them to do whatever it was together.

During dinner the night before, Kieren had made a lunch for Rick to bring the next day. He messed up Kieren’s hair as he stood to grab it, ready to leave for his job at the coffee shop. Kieren was smoothing it back down when Rick came back, giving him a quick kiss.

“I’ll see you later, Ren. Good luck on your meeting, you’ll be amazing.” Rick smiled.

Kieren returned before pulling Rick down for another peck. “Have a good day, I love you.” he told him.

“I love you to.” Rick told him as he stepped out of the small apartment into the still dark morning.

Rick had managed to snag a second job, this one at a coffee shop, to supplement their income. Bouncing was one of his least favorite things, but it paid rent. The coffee shop job would pay for food, both of their medicines, and whatever else they needed, like clothes, art supplies, and a few creature comforts. Kieren felt awful, knowing that Rick hardly got enough sleep to function, especially on days when he worked night shifts followed by opening the coffee shop, but Rick had assured him that he didn’t mind. It wasn’t as if places would hire Kieren anyways.

Since he couldn’t make money that way, Kieren did post some of his artwork online. He asked for small prices, just a fraction more than the costs of supplies to make sure he was at least providing some for them. He checked the listings again once Rick was gone, to find one had a message trying to bargain the price down a bit more. After going back and forth, Kieren managed to make only a miniscule profit, but it was a profit nonetheless. He mailed it on his way to meet his advisor.

It was strange for Kieren, to sit as someone else poured over all of his works. The woman in front of him made some noises as she flipped to look at each one, but Kieren couldn’t tell if they were signs of approval or disapproval. When she finished looking at the photographs of all his paintings, she took his sketchbook to see what was in it as well. Kieren was glad he couldn’t blush as she hovered on the page where he had drawn Rick - face out of sight - nude to practice muscle structure.

She smiled then before flipping the page, relieving some of Kieren’s stress. She flipped a few more pages before pointing down at the page and nodding. “Now this... This is the emotion I’m looking for.” she told him. “This reminds me of your works you displayed before your death... The caged one to be specific. This is the kind of raw emotion that will get you places, Mr. Walker. This is what will let you break through even as a PDS sufferer in a world full of people who are going to want to push you aside.”

Kieren leaned in to see the sketch she had stopped at. It was of the night of the Rising, a hand breaking through the dirt in front of a headstone. The personalized touch he had added to it was a scar on the Rising person’s wrist to match the ones on his own wrists. There were others already walking around, only their shoes and boots in sight, but here was this figure, just finally now getting through the dirt to emerge from their grave.

“Kieren, I see a lot of talent here. I see some things that we can’t teach here, which is phenomenal. You’ve already learned so much, I’m almost tempted to say you don’t need us.” she smiled. “I believe that you would be a shoe in for the honor’s program.”

A wide smile broke across Kieren’s face. “Thank you... Thank you so much.” he practically laughed in his excitement.

“Of course. Welcome to our institution, Mr. Walker.” she smiled, offering a hand. Kieren was almost too excited to notice the way she fliched at the cool contact. To her credit, her smile remained as she properly shook his hand. “Alright, now if you’ll follow me, we can get you prepared for classes.” she smiled.

Kieren wish he hadn’t followed her hand with his eyes to see the way that she brushed it off on her skirt. He tried to assure himself that it was only because she did that after shaking hands. He didn’t want to think that it was because he was PDS.

Thoughts like that were unavoidable for him, though. There was always someone who looked at him differently as he walked down the street or flinched from his contact and he feared that they would know. He feared that something would happen if too many people knew. Of course his advisor had known, but even as liberal as she seemed about it, she had the same instinct as anyone on the street.

_I’m just a monster... ___he thought, following along, though almost entirely disheartened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, we are slowly getting to the main conflict in this one... Don't worry, it will pick up the pace shortly! The next chapter should be the start of it all, but it will be a multi-chapter conflict so... Anyways, thanks as always for reading, you guys are the best <3


	5. The Last Straw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Before any of you read this I'm so sorry it took so long, I have been busy with work and the fact that some of my friends are leaving for the summer so I've been hanging out with them more often etc, combined with the fact that my internet has been sketchy lately and even though I finished this chapter last night, I couldn't load this webpage to post it. Then of course I worked like all day today, so again, I'm sorry but thanks for understanding!

The first thing to break was the dishwasher. It wasn’t really a surprise, considering the state of repair it was in when they first moved into the building. It had been making god awful noises from the second that Kieren had pressed the start button the day he decided that even though he didn’t use them, he could help Rick out while he was away at work.

He was half expecting the thing to blow up as he stood near it, trying to figure out if it was even working. Then there was a loud clunking noise followed by whatever water and soap that had been in there leaking onto the kitchen floor. Once he determined it was safe to try to open it, Kieren slowly approached to at least retrieve the dishes to do in the sink.

He wiped up the mess before grabbing the in-unit phone that was provided. He dialed down to the landlord’s office, intent on finding out if he knew someone who could fix the dishwasher. He figured that if there was a maintenance man in the building who would do it for free, he wouldn’t even have to tell Rick that it broke somehow. If it wasn’t free, he’d have to admit it eventually.

“Hi, this is Kieren Walker from 33, our dishwasher just broke. Is there a complementary building maintenance included in rent?” he asked politely when someone answered the phone.

Kieren vaguely heard the ruffling of some papers on the other end of the line. “We do, but there’s going to be a wait, we’ve got some other units he has to get to first.” the woman on the other line told him.

“How long is the wait?” he asked, looking at the clock. He still had a few hours before Rick came home, he still just might get by without being teased for breaking the damn thing.

“Should probably be about two hours, if the dumb bloke doesn’t get caught up eating brains before he gets to you. Never know with that sort.” she laughed.

Kieren’s forehead wrinkled. “Pardon?”

“He’s one of, you know, them.” she hinted. “Don’t worry though, he’s medicated and all, management just likes the cheap labor is all, what with Maxine Martin’s lowered wages for the PDS folks and all. I still like to make sure I’m staying safe around him though, maybe keep something at the ready, you know. High alert.” she again laughed.

“I don’t really think that’ll be necessary.” Kieren snapped, displeased.

“Oh...” she quietly said, understanding. “You’re one of them...”

Kieren huffed, “Yeah, no shit.” he responded before hanging the phone up. It took him a few minutes to calm his anger enough to go on with the rest of his day, but even then the brush strokes he made on the canvas were angry, a reflection of how he felt after seeing how people like him were treated.

It was a good thing that painting was his usual release. Even then, he was still simmering when he heard the door unlock as Rick turned the key to enter the apartment. From where he stood in the living room he hardly even acknowledged Rick, not intending to give him the cold shoulder but not wanting to spread his foul mood.

Rick of course realized something was wrong immediately. He peeked over the canvas trying to judge Kieren’s face as he set down his jacket and wiped off his shoes. Kieren let out a small sigh when Rick approached him. Rick stepped behind his boyfriend who only kept painting.

“This for homework?” Rick asked quietly in Kieren’s ear. Kieren shook his head as his only response. Knowing that he wouldn’t ruin something that Kieren needed for a grade, he ever so gently reached out to Kieren’s hand, coaxing it away from the canvas before wrapping his arms around Kieren’s waist. “What’s the matter, Ren?” He kissed Kieren’s neck softly as he nuzzled into him.

Kieren shook his head, stepping out of Rick’s arms. “Some moron is all.” he said quietly, still not looking at Rick. When he finally did turn around, he saw hurt and confusion on Rick’s face. “I’m sorry, Rick, I’m not mad at you, just... The dishwasher broke so I called to get a repairman and the receptionist just... She kept saying that I shouldn’t trust the repairman because he’s... Well, he’s like me.” he explained.

“Hey,” Rick whispered quietly, reaching for Kieren’s hands. “She doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Don’t listen to people who say that shit, Ren.” he gently urged.

“I just hate it, Rick, that’s the kind of shit that happens every day. Thought it’d be better since you said this place was fine with PDS people living here.”

Rick squeezed his fingers, pulling him a little closer. “They are, Ren, don’t worry. She was one dumb receptionist, alright? I know it’s hard not to let that shite get to you, but you shouldn’t.” Rick smiled softly, trying to get Kieren to imitate him.

Eventually after a period of time staring at each other, Kieren did break into a small smile before quickly kissing his boyfriend. “Sorry I was in such a shit mood.” he mumbled when he pulled away.

“S’all right, Ren, don’t worry.” Rick assured, kissing his lips softly. “Think I can forgive you this one time.” he winked, a twinkle in his eye.

Kieren laughed a little at that, bumping his elbow against Rick’s. “So how was your day?” he asked once they had finished just smiling at each other. They continued their days just as normal, save for the quick visit from the repair man. They acted as though nothing happened, Rick hoping that if it wasn’t discussed further, Kieren would forget about it. That’s why he didn’t tell him when he got a call saying their rent would be raised 5% for PDS liability.

\---

More things would break here and there around the apartment, but usually Rick was home, as Kieren now tried to avoid using appliances alone. It was fine, because when they had a long wait for a repair man, Rick would simply tinker around himself, oftentimes being able to fix it himself. After all, he was a bit of a handyman himself.

He called Kieren ridiculous the first time he found a makeshift mousetrap in the apartment. Kieren had claimed that he was hearing rats during the day when he was home by himself and that he didn’t want to deal with them in their home. Rick honestly wouldn’t have been surprised if Kieren was right, but he didn’t want him to worry. Until it became a problem, they would have to make do. His two jobs were hardly paying the bills. He couldn’t imagine having to find another place or taking away even more of his short lived time with Kieren for more work.

Still, Kieren would flinch each time he heard noises while he was by himself. He swore he heard scuttling in the walls nearly every day, and especially on nights when Rick wasn’t home. Perhaps Rick was right and it was just paranoia, but at the same time, he knew that Rick did usually play soft music that would cover the sounds whenever he was home at night.

Rick came home late one night to find a rat gnawing at a broken canvas Kieren had set near the door. Before he told Kieren he was home, he quickly rid of the pest, taking it outside, praying there wouldn’t be more. He didn’t know if he or Kieren could handle it. Kieren simply for the fact that he had a fear of the vermin, and himself because of the financial issues it would raise to have to exterminate or move somewhere nicer.

He crawled into bed trying not to wake Kieren, but wasn’t surprised when he felt him curl up onto his chest. Kieren had always been a light sleeper and usually did wake up when Rick got home, even just briefly.

“I thought I heard more of them tonight, Rick...” he quietly told him, eyes still shut.

Rick kissed Kieren’s mop of hair. “I won’t let them get to you, Ren, don’t worry. Get some sleep, love.” he quietly told him. “We’ve only had one, it’ll be fine.” he added when Kieren made a noise of uncertainty.

“Ok...” Kieren whispered into Rick’s chest before falling back asleep.

Guilt kept Rick awake later. an unfortunate thing considering he worked again just six hours after he returned home. “I’m sorry, Ren. I’m so sorry.” he whispered. “Promise I’ll make it right...”

\---

Kieren knew his heart couldn’t beat, but he could feel the phantom pounding when he turned on the light to his supply area. There in front of him was a rat, gnawing at some papers that were there. His eyes drew wide as he looked it eye to eye, trying to figure out what to do.

His eyes flickered around him, looking for something long to usher the thing away from where it sat. He considered briefly using the broom he could see not far from him, but he feared that the creature would somehow gain the upper hand even with the large implement.

Instead he just looked at the place where it sat. There wasn’t much of anything important there, at this point it was mostly just old papers since he had been painting all afternoon. It took several deep breaths for him to work up the courage to make a move to grab the most important of the belongings that lay in the closet.

“Please don’t bite me, please don’t bite me...” he whispered before quickly snatching the paper and slamming the door to lock the animal there.

\---

To say it was a long day at work would be an understatement. He had dealt with huge groups of ungrateful customers all day, earning next to no tips to help supplement the low wage. His boss had been there to review all of the employee’s performances to find who would be qualified for a raise. Despite his request, he was deemed not ready at the moment for a boost in income.

His coworkers weren’t in a much better mood. It was overall just one of those days at the shop. Too many customers and not enough staff members due to two people not even showing up for their shifts left all of them slightly on edge. The only thing he could look forward to was the fact he would have most of the afternoon and all evening and night with Kieren finally. He felt awful about how little time they had gotten to spend together between both of their schedules. They were about due for a date night.

When he got off of his shift, he counted his tip money, deciding he would splurge just a little bit for Kieren. He couldn’t exactly get him the box of chocolates he may have gotten him years ago, but he found a bouquet, probably a little cheap looking, but it would have to do. He had to hope that it as the thought that would count.

He just wanted to make Kieren smile. He had been doing far too little of that lately. He seemed so strung out and tired. Rick knew he was stressed with school, but it was more than that. He tried to keep Kieren from worrying about their financial issues, but he had to ask Steve in Sue to help with each of the last three rent payments. They didn’t mind, but he worried Kieren thought less of him, not being able to provide for them.

Rick passed a street vendor selling old DVDs for cheap, and decided to get one of those as well. Kieren had grown up watching so many movies that maybe it would make him feel more at home. He had feared Kieren was feeling home sick of his family. Rick certainly was missing his mum like crazy.

Finally he reached their apartment, Kieren’s words from the previous night still in his head. _I just want to spend time with you, Rick. ___Kieren begged. _I never even see you anymore. I miss you. ___

___Rick had felt a lot of guilt after that, promising himself he would find more time to spend with Kieren somehow. For now, a night in watching a movie and probably just holding each other seemed to be exactly what he himself wanted. He hoped that Kieren would enjoy it as well._ _ _

___“Ren, I’m home!” he called out when he pushed the door open. “Ren?” he called out again when he didn’t immediately see his boyfriend. He eventually smiled when he realized that the bedroom light was on. “What are you doing in here?” he asked as he began to push the door open._ _ _

___What was in front of him he would have never have been prepared for. His mouth moved, though no words or sounds could even come out. There was Kieren, luggage in front of him, shoving all of his possessions into it._ _ _

___“I...” Rick began, feeling his chest tighten. Had he really fucked things up that bad? “Ren... Please...” was all he could manage as he felt himself struggling for air. He hadn’t expected anything like that to happen in a million years._ _ _

___“I can’t take it, Rick. I’m sorry, I just... I can’t fucking take it.” Kieren told him, distressed. “I can’t live like this.” he cried._ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dun dun dun! I told you guys that the plot would speed up soon :) I'll try to get the next chapter up quicker than this one, I really do feel bad about the wait.
> 
> Speaking of the next chapter though, can you guys honestly tell me what you are thinking about it? I'm not getting a good feel for if people are liking this or following it any more. I want to continue the story because I personally want to share my ideas for it, but at the same time I have other fic ideas that I would like to put energy towards if people don't like this one. I feel weird asking this but I really don't have a clue if anyone is reading or liking this and it's been bothering me for a while so like, I'd appreciate some or any feed back. I usually wouldn't ask, but I'm at the point with this one that I kind of feel like I have to know. Thanks for understanding!


	6. On His Knees

Rick felt himself shatter in slow motion. It was as if the world wasn’t moving as he strode towards Kieren. “Please, Ren...” he whispered. “Please.” Rick shook as he stood in front of Kieren, reaching out to cup his cheek in his hand. “Ren, I’m begging you... Don’t go...” he cried.

Kieren’s own jaw shook as he too looked close to tears at the sight in front of him. “I have to, Rick.” His voice was strained with the distress he was visibly displaying. “I can’t live like this, I’m so sorry, I just can’t...”

“I’ll give you anything you need, Ren, please. Christ, Ren, don’t go.” Rick pleaded as he pressed his forehead against Kieren’s. “You’re all I’ve got left, Ren, shit, please don’t go. Shit, Ren, I love you, I love you more than anything, please don’t leave. Fuck...”

Kieren shook his head, though he still leaned into Rick’s touch. “I need to be somewhere that people don’t just hate me, Rick. It’s not as if I asked to come back some monster... I did and I can’t help it, but these people... These people don’t understand. Christ, Rick, they hate me just like how Roarton hated me even before all this shit.” Kieren quietly sobbed. “Don’t think I don’t know that they added to our rent when they found out I was PDS. Don’t act like they hardly ever send maintenance here just because they know we’re fucked if we try to get another place. I can’t keep this up, Rick. I just can’t.”

“We’ll find somewhere, Ren. Shit, where would you even go, please Ren, at least stay here until we find someplace.” Rick pleaded. “I’ll call Cains, he’ll let us crash at his place again, I know he will. It’s further from your school and my work, but we’ll make it work, yeah?”

Kieren shook his head. “I have somewhere, Rick.” he said quietly.

A new stream of hot tears squeezed out of Rick’s eyes. He held Kieren’s face with both hands, trying desperately to make his boyfriend realize how much he needed him. “Where?” he eventually squeaked out as he ran his fingers softly through Kieren’s hair.

“I met someone, at the treatment centre, Simon. He’s part of this group for people like me, one of the heads of it or something, but he’s got his own following of people living in this community not that far from here.” Kieren explained. “It’s somewhere I can be, Rick, somewhere I don’t have to hide or make you pay an upcharge for me to live here. I don’t want to leave you, Rick, I want to leave all this shit behind.” Kieren tried to explain.

A shaking sigh of relief slipped through Rick’s lips. “I thought you were leaving _me_ Ren...” he whispered, a new calm suddenly over his face.

“Fuck, Rick, I’d never leave you.” Kieren told him, throwing his arms around him. “Hell, not even a grave could hold me down from coming back for you.” Kieren grinned.

Rick’s mouth stretched wide in a smile that covered his entire face. Kieren soon matched with a wide grin of his own as they both simply looked into the other’s eyes. “I love you, even if you like giving me heart attacks.” Rick told him softly.

Kieren let out a soft chuckle, pressing his lips gently against Rick’s. “I love you too.” he replied between soft kisses.

It wasn’t long though until Rick broke his lips away, a sadness still cast over his eyes. “Stay Ren, please, you don’t have to move. I don’t care about the price being higher, and I’ll fix the place up when it needs it.” He gently touched Kieren’s face. “I’ll find a way to be here more often when you are, I’ll fix up cars myself or something, quit at least one of my jobs so I can be with you. I don’t want you to move, Ren. I want to stay with you.”

Kieren bit his lip. “Rick, it’s not as though I’ll be far,” he reasoned. “We’ll still see each other, and we’ll still be together, just... Not living together.” Kieren sighed.

Hesitation clear in his voice, Rick spoke quietly, “You’re the only one who can stop the nightmares though, Ren. The only way I feel... safe... I need you, Ren.” Rick’s eyes filled with tears. “Sound like an idiot I’m sure, but Christ, Ren, I need you. Even just fucking seeing you makes them stop, Kieren, knowing you’re there... I know I’ve said that I’ll protect you, but Ren, you save me.”

Thumb tracing along Rick’s cheek bone, Kieren wiped the stray tear that was falling from his eye. He took a moment to compose himself, hating to see Rick that way. He wasn’t used to seeing Rick as vulnerable. He had never thought of Rick needing _him ___. He had always thought that he needed Rick, though he knew that their love was mutual.

“I didn’t know you were still having them.” Kieren admitted quietly. Rick nodded, casting his eyes down in embarrassment. “Rick, you know you can wake me up or talk to me about them, yeah?” he tried to comfort him. Rick only shrugged. “I want to know when I can help you, Rick. If I don’t know, then I can’t, and I can’t stand to know that you’re struggling with something alone. I’m here so you don’t have to be alone.” 

“I’d be alone if you left.” Rick pointed out sadly. “I don’t know what I’d do, coming home without you... Hell, I wouldn’t even be going home. I’d be going to a shitty apartment. You’re what makes it home, Ren.” Rick’s jaw quivered ever so slightly. 

“I’ll talk to Simon,” Kieren began. “I don’t know, maybe he’ll let you come too. I don’t know if he would, but Rick, I have to go there. There’s nothing for me here, ‘sides you.” 

“I wish I was enough to make you want to stay.” 

Kieren looked at his boyfriend sadly. “I’m sorry, Rick,” he whispered, hardly able to acknowledge how devastated Rick truly sounded. “I’ll call Simon right now, ok? We’ll figure something out, Rick, I promise.” 

_\---_

Calling Simon had been strange for Kieren. The first time he did it, he felt a resurgence of guilt for what he had done in the treatment centre. _This is the man you kissed while your hero of a boyfriend was in a coma ___he thought. He had been unable to silence the nagging voice in his head feeling as though he was going back to someone who he felt he had cheated on Rick with.

_I thought Rick was dead_ he tried to remind himself. _He had left without explanation, that must have constituted a break up_. He tried to reason the first time he held the phone. Now his brain was buzzing with what it would mean to ask Simon to house Rick as well. 

_Hi, Simon, so by the way even though we almost had a thing in the treatment centre and you’re the only reason I stayed sane there, I’ve got a boyfriend. And he wants to move in to your place to be with me._ He felt like he was asking. _Yeah, you were great but I just used you because I was lonely._

>It took him almost fifteen minutes to actually dial the number. He had it memorized, having always been good at remembering things like that, but acted as though he had to look for the slip to stall. He knew full well that it was in his pocket the whole time. As he did, he kept Rick waiting anxiously, nearly having a break down at the thought of Kieren leaving without him. 

_I’m going to hell_ Kieren thought. 

“Oh, it was in my pocket...” Kieren faked a small laugh. He tried not to grimace as Rick could hardly even flash a short lived grin. 

His hand shook as he picked up the phone. Swearing under his breath, he whipped his hand through the air a few times to stop the tremors. Carefully, he dialed the numbers before taking a deep breath and sending the call. 

“This is Amy.” a familiar voice answered the call. Previously, Simon had been the one o immediately answer. 

Kieren’s jaw dropped. _This is Simon’s cell phone_ he remembered, _maybe he’s moved on after all_. He hated the slight twinge of jealousy he felt. 

“Hello?” Amy asked confused. 

“Amy, it’s Kieren.” he told her. 

“Kieren Walker, in the flesh?” she asked excitedly. “How dare my BDFF not try to find me. All this time I sent postcards back to yours, eventually Jem responded saying you had moved! How could you not tell your BDFF?” she jokingly scolded. 

>Kieren couldn’t help but smile at her banter. “It was a quick move, wasn’t exactly planned. I didn’t even think, I’ve been so busy.” he explained. “I missed you, though.” he told her as he heard something happening in the background. 

“-my phone? Amy, who is it?” Simon’s voice was muffled by the distance from the phone’s speaker. 

“It’s Kieren!” she proclaimed excitedly. 

“I need to talk to him, Amy.” Simon told her patiently. 

Amy sighed, “Can’t it wait until we’ve caught up?” she asked, a pout on her face. 

Apparently, something had happened to convince her to hand it over, because Kieren heard Amy’s disappointed hum before Simon’s voice came in clearer. “Kieren, what’s wrong? Is something the matter?” Simon questioned calmly after he heard a door shut, assumably blocking Amy out of the conversation. 

Kieren bit his lip, nervously looking at Rick who was so full of anticipation. “I have someone else who wants to stay at the compound.” he told him. 

“The more the merrier, Kieren. Anyone of the redeemed are welcome here.” Simon explained, sounding unintentionally like a preacher. “We’ll get a room together, though you may have to share with your friend for the night.” 

Kieren shook his head, clearing his throat. “He’s... He’s not exactly one of us, Simon.” he said quietly. He regretted his choice of words when Rick looked clearly uncomfortable. “He’s living, he just... He needs a place to stay. With me.” Kieren explained. 

Simon seemed to think for a moment. “He can stay here until he finds a place of his own.” Simon ruled. “He’ll need to provide his own food and whatnot, we don’t have anything for the living here.” 

Drawing a deep breath of courage, Kieren tried to clarify, “Simon... He... Well, we, already have a place, it’s just... I can’t live here anymore and he... We don’t want to live apart.” 

>It was Simon’s turn to pause to clear his throat. “So he’s your...” 

“Yeah.” Kieren breathed. 

“How long...?” 

“Since we were kids. Like, 13 or 14.” 

“So when we...?” 

“That was... Different.” Kieren responded. 

Simon nodded. “He’s welcome to stay with us. He just needs his own supplies like I said earlier.” 

“Simon, I’m sorry.” Kieren said quietly into the receiver, his back turned from Rick. 

“So am I.” he agreed before returning to his preacher-like voice. “Come any time, you’re room will be waiting, and so will the rest of us.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a little shorter than usual because it's so dialogue heavy. Thanks for sticking around though, we'll see a few more of our favorite characters in the next chapter and onwards!


	7. Something New

“It’s weird, isn’t it?” Rick asked, looking at their now empty flat. He looked at the pile of suitcases waiting by the door, Kieren sitting atop the tallest pile. “Moving out, and all, you know? Feels like we just started here, and all, but we’re taking off already...”

Kieren nodded, sliding off of the pile. “It’s for the best.” He said, wrapping his arms around Rick’s neck. “We’ll do this together, alright?” he smiled, playing with the small hairs on his neck.

Rick returned the smile, putting his hands on Kieren’s hips. “Guess we will.” he agreed, pulling him closer. “You’re sure that we’re doing this? We’re not looking anywhere else?” he verified.

Kieren shook his head. “If you don’t want to, Rick, I won’t hold it against you.”

He shook his head. “No, I’m doing this with you, Ren.”

“I love you.” Kieren whispered softly against Rick’s lips before capturing them in his own. The kiss was unlike any they had since their big move. It was slow and measured, nothing rushing them like the worry of being late for work or for class. It wasn’t just with the intention of making it to the bedroom. It was the slow down that they both needed.

“Ren...” Rick sighed as if it was a prayer. “I love you.”

For a while, they forgot the suitcases, forgot the move they were making. Their problems were seemingly forgotten about as the world closed around them, all their worries shed, even for just a moment.

At some point, Kieren ended up with his back pressed into the mattress, Rick hovering over him and pressing soft kisses all over his body. His chest heaved with unneeded breaths as Rick met his eyes for approval before helping Kieren undress. While Rick fiddled with his fly, Kieren bunched up Rick’s t-shirt at his neck, waiting for him to slide out of it.

“You’re so incredible, Ren.” he whispered with a similar reverence in his voice as before. “So incredible.” he repeated as he moved to press his lips to Kieren’s, showing him that he meant it wholeheartedly.

Kieren couldn’t remember a time Rick had been so gentle. from the moment he had kissed him, it was nothing but soft touches that seemed to burn through his numbed flesh. The way Rick was looking at him, so relieved that Kieren was staying with him, that they’d still be together, only intensified the ghost of feeling that he had left.

He simply couldn’t enjoy the physicality of it in the way he once had, which Rick understood. He knew for Kieren most of it was psychological. All he wanted was to make it the best he could for Kieren. Forgetting all about himself, his own desires, Rick made a point to make the slowest and sweetest love to Kieren that he could possibly manage. He hadn’t realized how incredible it would be for himself.

Kieren had tried to kiss him the entire time, but he had the obvious advantage of not needing oxygen. Eventually Rick needed to pull away for some air, taking the opportunity to look down at the beautiful man underneath him. He had to close his eyes, pressing his forehead against Kieren’s as he knew he wouldn’t last long looking at the way Kieren’s lips were parted ever so slightly, his eyes fighting to stay open.

Managing to get his own breathing under control, Rick thought he would be able to make it last longer for Kieren. That was until Kieren’s nails dug into his back as he scrambled to hold onto something while he himself tried to lengthen the moment.

The sharp sensation sent shocks through Rick’s entire body. He moaned Kieren’s name as he involuntarily bucked his hips forward. As he did, the new angle made Kieren elicit a high whining noise as he bit his lip. Rick thought it was the most beautiful noise he had ever heard until he heard the ones Kieren made as he took matters into his own hands, pushing himself onto Rick to hit the same spot.

“So... Close... Ren...” Rick panted before throwing his head back. “Fuck, Ren, fuck... I wanna... Together.” he managed to get his point across.

Kieren nodded eagerly, looking at Rick with his big doe eyes shaded with lust. He started to reach for himself, but Rick beat him to it, making Kieren make the same noise that had been driving Rick crazy the whole time. As the both desperately clung to each other, Rick crashed his lips to Kieren’s for a messy kiss, filled with as much desperation and admiration as love.

“Whenever you...” Rick told him when he pulled his lips away just ever so slightly.

Kieren needed no more prompting than that, letting out a loud cry which sent Rick over the edge as well. Between heavy breathing and the occasional moan, Kieren pulled Rick down to him as they kissed. It began in a frenzy, but soon turned to the same slow and sweet one that had brought them to where they were now in the first place.

Arms shaky from the effort of holding himself up, Rick collapsed, not so much on top of Kieren but generally draped over him. Kieren couldn’t help but chuckle as his boyfriend, now glistening with a sheen of sweat, buried his face into the crook of his neck, just simply nuzzling him there.

“You know, when the blankets are all packed up, it’s a good thing I’ve got you.” Kieren teased, running his fingers through Rick’s short hair.

“When it’s fucking hot as hell in here, it’s a good thing I’ve got you.” Rick countered, acting as if Kieren’s cool flesh was the only reason he was in the position he was. “You’re like my personal cool pack.” he chuckled, going for a kiss.

“And you’re like my personal idiot.” Kieren smiled before accepting the kiss. “Mostly because now we’ve got to shower again before we leave.”

Rick smirked, “Well there’s two of us, one shower. What a shame...”

Kieren couldn’t hold back the laugh he was trying to suppress while glaring at Rick. He settled for smacking his chest before sliding out of the bed and walking to the bathroom, Rick in tow. “You are such a horny git.” Kieren laughed once they were under the water and Rick kissed him again.

“Can’t kiss my boyfriend then?” Rick quirked his eyebrow, challenging Kieren. They both laughed before actually cleaning themselves.

After one (rather wet) dash to the suitcases to get soap, shampoo, and towels, They were both drying off when Rick spoke. “You know, I know this place is shit, Ren, but it’s ours, you know? Think we’re going to be able to do all this in that place your friend’s got? Just be us?” he asked almost rhetorically. “Is it really so bad here?”

Kieren worried his lip as he cast his eyes downward. “There are things I’ll miss here, yeah. Things that we could only do here, like send you running through the damn place arse naked and soaking wet for the shit we forgot that we packed, but Rick...”

Rick nodded. “I get it, Ren.”

“Look,” Kieren began, smiling at Rick. “This will always be a great place to remember, Rick. It’s like... We’ve run off to Neverland, found somewhere for ourselves, but it’s just a somewhere, Rick. We need the somewhere.” he told him.

Rick’s mouth stretched into a smile as he looked at Kieren, happier than he could ever remember being. “What?” Kieren eventually asked, laughing at his own slight discomfort.

“Nothing.” Rick replied, shaking his head. “I just love you.”

\---

It wasn’t quite what Rick had expected. He just thought it would be some small house overflowing with people, but it was almost a bunker, concrete walls with rooms sectioned off by curtains. Some were larger and had bunk beds for people to stay in, but the smaller rooms like the one they were assigned had just two beds, not that they really needed both.

When they arrived, the got a tour from the Simon guy that Kieren had told him about. He wasn’t too sure about him, but he was putting a roof over their heads that Kieren seemed more comfortable with than what had frankly been a craphole of an apartment. If Kieren was happy, he’d do his best to be that way as well.

Kieren was off reuniting with some friends he had made at the treatment centre. Rick was introduced to them, but he felt like he would be intruding by joining them, so he made the excuse of wanting to get their room in order. Kieren seemed to feel guilty about not helping him, but Rick waved him off, telling him to catch up with his friends.

Now that he was done arranging everything, he wished he had figured out where exactly Kieren was. He didn’t want to wander around too much because when Kieren wasn’t there he got strange looks. He supposed he did stand out like a sore thumb in the place that most people didn’t even attempt to blend in with the living.

It wasn’t as if Rick was uncomfortable with the fact that many of the PDS sufferers there weren’t wearing cover up. He wasn’t bothered that he was the only living one there either. He figured they were all human, no matter what all the other people said, but it was still odd to be looked at so differently from anyone else.

He had gotten a strange vibe of some sort of tension when Simon greeted them though that was leaving him uneasy as he sat in the bed. He could see on Kieren’s face that he probably wasn’t imagining it, but he wasn’t quite sure what was wrong. Rick couldn’t help but wonder if it was because Rick was different from the rest of them, if Simon had something against the fact that someone who wasn’t like the rest of them was there.

What he couldn’t understand then was why Simon had agreed in the first place. Kieren had forewarned him, but he still agreed. He tried to shake from his mind the fact that maybe Simon had a reason for giving Kieren his way.

“No... No, there’s no way...” He mumbled to himself.

“No way for what?” Kieren asked happily, startling Rick.

Rick shook his head, “Nothing. just thought I might’ve forgotten something, that’s all. It’s here though.” he lied. He certainly wasn’t going to tell Kieren that he was thinking (perhaps even fearing) that something had happened between Kieren and Simon in the treatment centre. “Get to see all your friends?”

Kieren laughed a little bit. “Yeah, all two of them are here.” he smirked. “Amy was really excited to see me again, I didn’t mean to be gone so long. She wouldn’t let me go, even long after Simon left to take care of something.”

“Nice for you to see them, though.” Rick replied almost absentmindedly.

“Yeah, it’s been awhile.” Kieren agreed. “I don’t know about you, but I’m kind of tired. Maybe call it a night and unpack the rest tomorrow?” he suggested.

Rick nodded in agreement. Once they were both ready for bed, Rick pulled Kieren close to his chest, needing a little more closeness after his insecurities about Simon. “I love you, Ren.” he told him, kissing his hair.

“I love you too, Rick.” Kieren yawned, nuzzling into Rick’s chest. “Good night.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah I didn't mean for that first part to happen tbh it kind of came out and I was like yeah, that sort of makes sense in the situation so I kept it. So sorry about that, I still feel like I'm awful at writing that stuff lol. Thanks as always for reading and sticking with it though! More interactions with Amy and Simon to come :)


	8. AUTHOR'S NOTE

This is so incredibly overdue but I owe a huge apology to all of you reading this. I had the audacity to ask all of you if anyone was still interested in this fic and yet I haven't had the common decency to continue updating it in a timely manner. See, I love this fic and I love this universe alteration I've made (not that I want to sound like I have a big head, I just kind of fall in love with characters easily), but I've been in such a rut. I don't want to get personal, but I have had some problems with myself that have limited my ability to feel like I can do any sort of justice to it.

As of today, I am officially taking a step back from this work and have decided to do some other one-shots in order to get back to writing. I promise I am starting to feel better, but it really has been my own mental health that has stopped me from writing. I know it isn't fair to you guys and I promise I do love all of you to death, especially those of you who have stuck with me through it so far and who I hope will continue to stick with me through the end. You are all absolutely amazing and words can't describe how much I appreciate you. i hope that you realize that one my worst days I have gone on here and just stared at some of the kind words that you have all shared with me and known I was so blessed that it really got me through the day at times. I really hope to get back to this one soon for you all, but at the same time, for me, please bear with me.

Thank you all for understanding and I love you all so much. I'm not sure if I'll even bother posting some of the writing that I'll be trying to do simply because I feel like it won't be very good, but I promise you that I will continue to think about this fic and try my damnedest to make it as good as you all deserve. <3


	9. Preacher

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to start with a huge thank you and an even larger apology.
> 
> First, thanks for all of you who have been understanding about all of this. I just had some shit going on and I just couldn't get myself to write. I truly appreciate the support that you have always given me. You are all absolutely incredible and if I could personally thank each and every one of you, I would do so in a heart beat. You guys have meant more to me than you could ever imagine, and I really am blessed to have such amazing readers.
> 
> And as for the apology, I'm so, so, so sorry that I have neglected this fic. I have left all of you hung out to dry and I feel absolutely awful about it. I don't want to make any excuses. I just want to say that I'm so incredibly sorry that I haven't been updating nearly as frequently as I usually do. I'm sorry that I can't promise that updates will come as frequently in the future either, as I start college in a week. I'm sorry to any of my readers who I have lost because I haven't been as dedicated as I should be to writing, and i'm sorry to those who frequently check for updates only to see that I haven't written in nearly a month. I'm sorry that I did that. I hope I can make it up to all of you.

“Morning, moregeous!” Amy greeted cheerily as she let herself into Kieren and Rick’s room. “Hope I’m not interrupting you lovebirds...” she giggled, grabbing Kieren’s arm. “Come on, then, time for your shot!”

Kieren groaned as he buried his face into Rick’s chest. “Amy, I have my medicine in here, Rick’ll help me.” he complained, clearly not wanting to get out of bed.

“That’s not the stuff you want, we’ve got better stuff, you know, stuff that’ll actually help you, ‘stead of just making you what the living wants you to be.” she tried to persuade him. “‘Sides, you can meet everybody this way! Come on!”

“Amy, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the medicine they gave us.” Kieren protested, still reluctant to get out of bed.

His friend sighed, exasperated, “You don’t know that though! This stuff... It works just like it, ‘cept we made it. It doesn’t have any risks, Kieren!”

Finally finding the energy to sit up, Kieren continued to argue. “Except for the fact that maybe it’s not as effective and oh, I don’t know, someone might go a teensy weensy bit rabid?” he pointed out. “Amy, I’m not taking that stuff, I have my prescription and I’ll be using that.” he responded when his friend looked slightly offended at his assertion.

“Kieren Walker, you have to take this medicine.” Amy insisted. “We’ve got people who say they can actually feel a couple of things now, come on, like you don’t want to actually feel something when you’re kissing Rick or touching your canvases?”

“Amy, it’s not safe!” he came back.

Amy was opening her mouth to argue when another voice interrupted her. “Amy, he has the right to take whichever medication he pleases.” Simon told her sternly. “Just know you’re always welcome to join us, we’ll always have enough for you, Kieren.” he told him.

“This place just have an open door policy or what?” Rick asked, slightly irritated that there were not only one but two people, practically strangers, in what he had assumed was their room. The fact that he had just woke up after a late night only made his anger towards the situation worse.

Simon cleared his throat. “Amy was trying to make sure that for all of our safety, but especially yours, considering you’re the only living person here, that Kieren got his shot. She technically doesn’t have the right to barge in, but I’m sure Kieren will agree that some friends, you simply let come and go as they please.” he explained.

Kieren gave Rick a look, silently asking him to drop it. Rick gave a slight huff of distaste, but went along with his boyfriend’s wishes. “Just wasn’t expecting a wake up call, I s’pose.” Rick told Simon, starting to actually get out of bed.

If Rick wasn’t mistaken, Simon’s eyes flashed from Rick’s bare chest to Kieren, who was obviously in a similar stage of undress, with a strange look crossing his face. It was somewhere between confusion, distaste, and jealousy, Rick thought, and he wasn’t sure if he could keep tongue in cheek long if their Irish host would make a habit of looking between them like that.

\---

Rick absolutely hated when Kieren wasn’t at their new home. Whenever he was at class and Rick had a few hours between shifts, he felt holed up, like he was only allowed to stay in their small room. Even with Kieren there, he still caught the dirty looks he got for infiltrating what was supposed to be a safe haven for the PDS sufferers. He felt some guilt for being there, but he reminded himself he was there for Kieren, who had as much right as anyone to be there.

Simon had extended a few invitations to Rick to join the groups while Kieren was at class, perhaps out of sympathy, but Rick generally declined. He told the Irishman that he didn’t want to intrude more than he had, and left it at that. Simon would always nod courteously, and leave him be.

One day, however, Simon came before Kieren had even left for his nine o’clock lecture. “Rick, would you come with me to the common room this morning?” he inquired.

Kieren gave an odd look, not sure where any sort of comradery had appeared between the two, before Rick shook his head. “Simon, I’ve said before, I don’t think I’d be as welcomed there as you seem to think. You’re housing me and Ren, and I’m grateful, but your meetings aren’t really my sort of thing.”

“They need to know that someone living can understand what they are going through. You’re the only one we’ve got, and a fine example, really.” Simon tried to encourage him.

Rick raised an eyebrow. “Fine example? Just ‘cause me and Ren are together?” he asked. “Loved him before all of this, not as if I could stop just ‘cause he’s a bit different now.”

Kieren frowned momentarily at Rick’s difficulty expressing how he felt about the two of them. He shrugged it off however, speaking. “That might be good for some to hear, though, that you don’t think differently just because I’m different, you know? Maybe it’d be better than sitting around here all day or walking to the city to spend more money than we’ve really got to spend.” he bit his lip, trying to casually bring up their money crunch that Rick didn’t seem to always take quite so seriously now that there wasn’t a rent payment. “Besides, won’t it be nice to have a few friends around here ‘sides me?”

Rick shrugged, "I've got mates 'round here too, not like I can't leave here. I usually just like to rest before I work long shifts though is all." he half lied. Truly, Cains was his only real friend in the city, aside from some of his coworkers who he was friendly enough with, though they wouldn't interact outside of their jobs.

"But still, some of the folks around here could maybe do with it, like Simon said. Just let 'em know that you're living and you generally like me, it shouldn't be too hard, should it?" Kieren asked, hopefully.

Simon cleared his throat, trying to politely interrupt. "It's not just that. I know Rick was a soldier... He's done some of the same stuff that all of us have gone through. If he's killed and can live with it, everyone else who has should be able to as well."

Rick blanched, feeling suddenly uncomfortable with the whole situation. He had hated being a soldier. Of course he loved his unit, they were family, Cains in particular, but knowing he was in a position to be expected to take another life had never settled well with him. He felt sick to his stomach as he realized that was what Simon viewed him to be. A killer. That was all he was, wasn't it?

The room spinned around him as he recalled a recent conversation with Cains. Somewhere in Rick's mind, he had somehow blocked out his kill list. He assumed he hadn't gotten a single one. Cains had mentioned what a great marksman Rick had once been at their last lunch, leading to Rick to scoff, saying it's not as if he hit when it counted. Cains had looked at him in disbelief, saying that Rick had saved half of their arses with his shots on multiple occasions.

He had hidden the guilt from Kieren quite well, but it had been eating at him since. The thought that he hadn't actually taken another human being's life had been what had gotten through most of his therapy without too much guilt coursing through his veins. The next session he went to, he emptied the contents of his stomach after talking about the number of people he had killed.

Suddenly drawn back into the present, Rick blinked rapidly as Kieren leaned in close, calling his name. "Sorry..." he mumbled.

"Are you alright?" Kieren asked his boyfriend.

Rick nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine." he cleared his throat. "Sure, I'll come down, Simon." he said quietly before moving towards the door. "'Scuse me, gotta take a piss..." he excused himself.

In the bathroom he splashed his face with cold water. It was really all the compound had, since most of the inhabitants couldn't feel the temperature anyways. He breathed heavily, trying to gather his thoughts when he heard a knock on the door. Uncertain how much time he had been in there, though he suspected it was longer than usually acceptable, he apologized before drying his face and painting his mask for the day.

\---

It was strange to hear Simon preaching. Rick figured it was a fitting job for him, there was a certain eloquence to his words, and he drew the attention of the entire crowd with ease. He still wasn't sure he particularly liked the other man, but he found a respect for him that afternoon.

"As most of you have become aware of, we have a unique new resident here. Many of you have met Kieren, one of the redeemed who has sought to live in our community. He has a special circumstance, a relationship with one of the living members of society who now resides within these walls." Simon explained. "His presence may have sparked some debate, but I am confident that he will be a welcomed guest. While I believe that we should hold a certain pride in who we are as the redeemed, we must restore a relationship with the living who are willing to coexist with us. I ask that you all listen to Rick as he talks a bit about himself. You may find that we all have more in common than you would think."

The room was nearly silent as all eyes turned towards Rick. He found himself blushing a bit as his prosthetic made standing from the ground a longer task than it is for most, but managed to get up and give a small smile to the group before walking up to where Simon sat at the head of the group on a couch of all things. Simon forfeited his seat, talking a spot hovering over his shoulder instead.

Swallowing a lump in his throat, Rick began. "Sorry, I'm not exactly as great at public speaking as Simon over here..." he said awkwardly, shifting a little. "Well, I'm from Roarton, same as Ren, we grew up together, fell in love, then my dad- he doesn't like people like me 'n Ren- made me join the army. I got sent out to Afghanistan."

Simon nodded to Rick to encourage him to keep going. "I did things I'm not proud of over there, probably got what I deserved when I got caught in an IED blast. Lost my leg, was in and out of a coma for the best part of a year, and had a shit load of other problems. Worst part of it all though was hearing that Ren had... Died. I didn't know about the Rising, 'cause my dad didn't want me to look for Ren or anything I s'pose, I don't really know."

Rick looked around, trying to get together his thoughts. "Anyways, Simon asked me to talk about some of the stuff we've all got in common. I guess you've all got an idea about it. He says most of you have the same regrets as a soldier... I guess what I'm saying is none of us should have to feel guilt, I mean, I know that you did what you did because you had to survive and I..." Rick's voice trailed off, looking into the eyes of some of the people sitting in front of him.

"No. No, you know what, I'm guilty as fuck." Rick nearly shook as he spoke. "I took human lives... So did you... There's no forgiving that, no justifying..." he breathed heavily as Simon tried to cut him off. "Shit, we've got reasons, but how... How do you live with that? How the hell do you live with that?"

Rick was crying as Simon forcefully removed him from the room they had met in. The Irishman was frustrated that his idea hadn't worked, but he felt some sympathy for the other man. "If you can't just say what I asked, please don't agree next time." he said before walking away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for continuing to support this work and me as a writer. I really have the best readers, I love each and every one of you and I hope you all realize how much I appreciate your support. I will try my best to update at least once more before I leave for college


	10. Kieren

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...I literally couldn't come up with a name for this chapter? And it was like all Kieren centric? So I named it his name? I don't know. I should honestly just not name my chapters because they suck lol

Kieren had just had one of the longest days of his life. He had managed to walk into his lecture late, despite the fact that he left at his usual time to get to class, because the bus driver who was driving that route decided it wasn't his responsibility to drive a 'rotter' around town. Kieren sprinted, which was the only reason he arrived just ten minutes late. If the usual bus hadn't always made him arrive nearly an hour early, he likely would have missed class all together.

At the end of the class, Kieren headed over to his adviser's office to ask about the possible commission she had previously approached him about. When he got there, however, she was sitting with another student. He decided to sit outside her office and draw until she was free, until someone felt the need to call out to him.

"Oi, zombie, crawl back in your grave!" some random student called out.

Kieren shrank up against the wall, praying that his adviser would step outside and come take him into her office soon. It wasn't until he glanced back at the window to the office that he realized it was raining out and the water had caused his mousse to streak. Fighting back tears that wouldn't come anyways, he rushed indoors and to the bathroom, praying that he could still spread what was left on his face enough to at least mask his ghastly complexion.

To no avail, he rubbed his hands along his face, only creating worse streaks and making him look even more unnatural. In defeat, he took a paper towel to his face, rubbing the last of it off as he cursed himself for not bringing more mousse in his bag in the first place.

When he walked out, Karla was letting her other student out of her office. He had his hood drawn, so when he muttered a hello, she looked confused for a moment. "Oh, Kieren, I'm sorry, didn't recognize you for a minute." she laughed. "It's not raining inside, you can take that hood off." she smiled kindly.

Kieren hesitated a moment, not wanting to disobey her, but also fearing the fact that he would show her his bare face if he dropped the hood. After some hesitation, however, he pulled it down, trying to hide the instinctive flinch he gave at the gasp he heard. "Sorry, the rain washed away my cover up..." he said softly, eyes down.

Clearing her throat, Karla shook her head. "No, I'm sorry, that was rude. I just... I've never seen you... Well, like this." she told him ineloquently. "What can I help you with?" she eventually asked, obviously embarrassed by herself.

"Well, you had said something about a commission. I was just wondering... Have you picked anyone for that yet?" he nervously asked.

She nodded. "I'm sorry Kieren, I already did select a student." Karla frowned when she saw Kieren's face drop. "Why are you asking? I hope I wasn't getting your hopes up before, Mr.Walker. I thought I told you it was nearly unheard of for a first year student to get a commission, even one as talented as yourself."

Kieren shook his head. "No, I'm sorry, I know. I'm just... I was just making sure, I suppose. Email hasn't been working properly lately so just wanted to be sure I hadn't missed anything." he lied. He had almost told her that he was strapped for cash.

Between his prescriptions for PDS, tuition, Rick's needs, and paying at least some for gratitude towards Simon, the were falling a bit short on funds from time to time. He knew the could be worse off, but it wasn't as if Rick was used to living paycheck to paycheck, so though he tried, it was easy for him to waste some money that Kieren, who had for some time lived in a lower income household until Steve got a much better job, would have perhaps put to better use. Rick tried, and he was getting better, but Kieren was worried, especially now that Rick's hours were being dropped at both jobs, so between the two he'd work 40 a week, rather than the nearly 70 he would have previously worked.

Kieren had walked out of that office, shoulder's slumped, and things only got worse from there. When he checked his phone while walking between the buildings on campus, he saw a notification saying it was Jem's birthday. Cursing himself he dialed her number, hating that he had forgotten something so important. He hated more that he couldn't have been there to see her himself. She had too many birthdays without her brother there already.

"Kier?" Jem's voice on the other end of the line answered. "How's my little bro?" she teased.

Kieren scoffed slightly on the phone. "Jem, I was just calling to say happy birthday. I'm sorry, don't tell mum and dad but Rick and I are a little bit low on money right now so I couldn't buy you anything, but I'll send something as soon as I can." he half lied. He had entirely forgotten, but the money situation was no lie.

"Bullshit." Jem responded. "You're on your way to Roarton right now, aren't you, Kier? Trying to surprise me, eh?" she asked.

Kieren swallowed. "No, Jem, I'm on campus, I've got time to kill between my classes. I seriously couldn't afford anything right now. I'm sorry. I wish I were on my way home to see you. I miss seeing my little sister." he told her sadly.

It took Jem a minute before she spoke. "No, Kier, if you're not actually coming here and you didn't send something... Shit, you forgot it was my birthday, didn't you?" she accused.

"Jem-" Kieren tried to cut in.

"I've always told you that I'd rather have something you've made than anything from the store anyways, Kier. You don't need hardly anything to send a drawing or a painting, hell, even a mix CD." she told him angrily. "I get that you're starting your new life and all, and obviously you're too good to even talk to me lately, but I can't believe my own brother forgot my birthday..."

"Jem, I'm sorry. Please, forgive me. I've been so busy..." he implored. "Rick and I just made our third move since we've been here, I've got class, Rick's got two jobs... We're doing the best we can, Jem."

His sister shook her head from where she sat in her bedroom. "It's not good enough, Kier." she told him. "You know, mum and Janet are going crazy, you haven't called either of them for weeks. Hell, none of us even knew you moved again, Kier!"

"Please, Jem, I'm sorry." he repeated. "I'll call mum on my way home from school. I've got to get to class. I'm so sorry, Jem."

Sighing, Jem forgave him. "Just don't fucking do it again, alright?" she told him firmly. "Sometimes I think mum and dad think it's like last time again, Kieren. You've got to stop disappearing on us. Don't ignore us for so long. Please."

"I won't, I promise." Kieren assured his sister. "I'll talk to you later, Jem. Happy birthday." he told her.

"Thanks bro." she replied before hanging up her end of the line.

The rest of the day he was walking with his head down, trying to ignore the whispers from those who were talking about his exposed face. Those who weren't exactly whispering were harder to ignore. Kieren was thankful that his eyes didn't water anymore, lest he gave them even more to talk about.

Even his favorite professor seemed unable to look him in the eye. When he came in to class early, as he usually did, she had dismissed herself to run to the restroom, only to return almost ten minutes later when more students would be there. By then, Kieren had drawn his hood even tighter around his face, trying to conceal everything he could. His usual front row seat was vacated for one in the corner.

He didn't even bother trying to get a bus back to the compound. It didn't seem worth the harassment he was sure to endure, so instead he walked home in the downpour that continued to worsen. If he wasn't impervious to the feeling of the icy droplets, he was sure he would be shivering. He wished he would have grabbed an umbrella to at least look a little more alive. It would have concealed him more, at the very least.

The only thing that kept Kieren putting one foot in front of the other was the promise of an evening with Rick. He shoved his hands in his pocket, counting the change he had there before stopping to grab a slice of Rick's favorite pie. He ignored the confusion on the worker's face before grabbing some chocolate candies as well.

He was almost back when he looked at the bag of candies, spitting out the ones that he had popped in his mouth. Kieren sighed, resigned to a night of being sick thanks to his stupidity. He only hoped that he would make it back to the compound before losing the contents of his stomach. he couldn't believe he had been so stupid.

Half jogging, he finally reached the compound, entering with a sigh of relief that sounded almost like a sob. He wanted nothing more than to simply get back to his room and curl up with Rick to pretend that the day had never happened, so even Amy's voice calling to him made his shoulders slump.

"Kieren!" Amy repeated after he slowed a bit. He came to a complete stop so she only had to jog a few steps to catch up. "Simon wanted to talk to you when you got back from class."

Kieren shook his head, "Amy, I had a shit day, I just want to go to my room. Can't Simon wait until the morning?"

Amy swallowed, not sure how to bring it up. "It's something that happened early... With Rick. Simon just wants you to hear what happened before anyone else brings it up to you." she told him.

Kieren raised an eyebrow at his best friend. "What happened? Did somebody go after him since he's living?" he asked, making her shake her head. "Then what happened, Amy?" he asked a little more desperately.

"Simon will be better at explaining it." Amy told him. "I wasn't there, I wasn't feeling well this morning. Ruined a pair of knickers because I thought I'd treat myself to a Snicker's bar." she laughed, holding her stomach. "Seem to be forgetting that we don't eat lately. Suppose I'm used to seeing everyone else do it." she continued as they walked towards where Simon would be in his room.

"Yeah, I've been trying to munch on a few things lately too... Suppose it's a bad habit for us to have now, isn't it?" he half smiled, glad that he wasn't the only one.

When they pushed the door open, Simon was strumming an acoustic guitar, quietly singing some song that Kieren didn't recognize. Amy sighed dreamily, leaning against the doorway as he continued playing. Kieren, a little less star-struck with the disciple, cleared his throat loud enough for Simon to hear.

Setting his instrument aside, Simon turned to see who his visitors were. "I'm glad to see you came." he said in his most preacher-y voice, giving his crooked smile. "Amy, can we speak in private please?"

Kieren, not having any of it, crossed his arms. "You can save that disciple crap." he snapped once Amy shut the door behind her. "I came to find out what happened with Rick, not for a sermon."

Slightly taken aback by Kieren's fire, Simon nodded. "This morning when I asked Rick to share some with the group, it didn't go as planned. I asked him to try to tell them that they shouldn't feel guilty for what we all did in our untreated state." Kieren nodded as he listened to the Irishman silently. "He started, but he ended up saying that he felt guilty for everything and that we should all feel that guilt. It wasn't well received."

Kieren looked at Simon through his lashes as if to see if he would continue. "What would Rick feel guilty for? He never hurt anyone, much less killed them. He wouldn't know anything about that guilt." he shook his head, stomach twisting.

Simon looked at him curiously. "Yes he has, Kieren. Rick told us that he did in Afghanistan."

"No, he..." Kieren shook his head, not believing that he was hearing this from someone else, not his boyfriend himself. "I'm sorry." he said to Simon as he turned and left, brushing past a curious Amy as he bee-lined for his and Rick's room.


End file.
